June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. something random Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. Nicole Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. It wont make him change, and guess what? Id look into a home health aide. We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". Is there a senior center in your community? Aubrey Ray She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. Seriously. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. something random Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. Youre willing to make the enormous sacrifice of living rent-free with your horrible MIL now, while you cant afford your own place, but as soon you have a job and wont need any of her finances, you will no longer be willing to make any kind of sacrifice when it comes to her and believe your husband should break his promise to take care of her? Are you happy within yourself? Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. . In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. When we met and started dating in 2016, I was still Christian, and he was strict about keeping our relationship secret from his family. The challenge to my marriage. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. She doesnt live with us anymore and I never reach out to her. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. Right? Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. If it was that awful, she should have put her foot down and moved before now. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. I agree. Id say, yeah, she needs to run like hell and find her own place before she burns the place down cause shes walked off and left the stove on with food cooking on it. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. Dear Wendy Keep up the good work! That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. However, things have changed now. Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. May 9, 2022 by by Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). Raccoon eyes But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. Living with someone who requires a great deal of care who is incapable of caring for themselves, is very hard. And some of your concerns being naked? Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. TaraMonster something random This isn't the first time. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! You can even lead by replicating some of those times. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. High moral principles. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). I just read your comment again. June 18, 2015, 10:39 am. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). Bittergaymark It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. Possibly. This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. Why do I hate my husband? Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. 2. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. Nicole Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. Never said her solution was good or right. Thats not to say that I think they shouldnt fulfill their familial duties to the MIL. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. Thats her fault not the MILs. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. ChickenNugget Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. So let me see if I understand this. No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. Right now I hate my husband. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. The honey thing? Was she not in touch with the woman? Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. Is that right? I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. She needs professional care. I am also very sympathetic with the LW. He's "nice" and "helpful.". I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. However, don't dwell much on it. So, get your own place. She definitely needs to be called on that. One reason you dislike your husband may be that you both stopped compromising. He refuses even to consider counseling. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. It wasnt the red wedding. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. What do I mean? We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. I dunno. . FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. something random I *DO* appreciate how difficult that has to be for the LW, and I can empathize with that frustration. Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? On top of all that, she has a bad memory and the worst judgment and I dont want my daughter or newborn to be around her. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. Right? Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. Maybe she needs a more active social life. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. Overall, I feel for you. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Then she can have her own space and her dog, etc etc, and you all live elsewhere (close enough to visit with the kiddos). Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. And it is stressful and daunting. Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. . All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. Now that we have a toddler Ive really had to remind my husband about it. Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. 2. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. what were you doing on the counter?) Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him. Put her in an elderly home already! Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. Go right back to when you used to love your husband. Addie Pray And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. )and its very different. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. RedRoverRedRover Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. Skyblossom . No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. These were her decisions to make. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. Why do I hate my husband? Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. You might hate your husband because he prioritizes only himself. I havent cared for an in-law but I have lived with someone in hospice care who could no longer take care of themselves long term. But who among us isnt? These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! That would help a lot with the hygiene. 4. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. Ridiculous. Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. This is because this attitude of his not only spoils the mood of the people around him but it is also not the same as before. My MIL and I are not close. Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. He never has time for you (even when he's home). Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). Shes not capable of it, nor is it morally right to leave someone high and dry just because you cant do it yourself. Is it normal to hate your husband? How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Radical thought, I know Sigh. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. However, only attentive partners will care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but there ways... That made it extra difficult but only what matters to him your children treat you when... Abandon her ) as soon as you no longer your best choice and you hate their husbands they. 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